As a bipolar I know a lot about obsession. When I am down I obsess about myself and what is wrong with me to a morbid extent, very occasionally to the extent where I consider suicide. However, this is not something I want to dwell on.
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is the new buzzword for something that has been around probably for centuries, but naming it doesn’t make it is any less dangerous or uncomfortable. To those who have obsessive behaviour patterns like constantly washing their hands or having routines that mean leaving the house takes hours are obsessions that seriously impede their lives.
I obsess in small ways and have only just recognised that I do – for instance, being what I proudly think of as a wordsmith means I can find myself thinking of words that sound the same and counting how many I can list in my head – for instance: isle, bile, dial, file, guile, mile and then we come to Nile and I can’t decide whether to allow it, because it is the name of a place. This thought goes through my mind ‘shall I, shan’t I?’ until I finally think ‘this is my head and my list – what does it matter whether I allow it or not?’ But it doesn’t stop me doing the same thing on another day, another time.
Perhaps obsessions are ways of avoiding reality or just coping with the tedium of everyday life – could be either, could be both. All I know is that my most dangerous obsession is with myself in the middle of a depressive episode.
I also obsess about things that happen that upset and unsettle me, but then perhaps we all do. For instance, when an outstanding debt had been dealt with months back and someone from a bank or building society call centre telephoned to ask about it yet again I become incandescent with rage. I suppose it is actually caused by fear – if they haven’t accepted or noticed the arrangements I have made to pay maybe the bailiffs will come! I must say I do find the incompetence of institutions now where nobody seems to be in charge incredible! In the end I had to write to the Financial Ombudsman to make a complaint – this would not have been necessary had all the agencies dealing with the debt spoken to one another!
Being told by someone who looks as it they are just out of school that my loan has not been approved seems incongruous to say the least – it happened to me a few years ago when I asked or suggested that I be interviewed by the Bank Manager. Somehow, it wouldn’t have been quite so humiliating to be turned down by a stern-faced man in suit and tie. It was hard to take from a young man in casual clothes who merely consulted a computer screen before saying in effect ‘the computer says ‘no’’.
I become obsessive about my lack of facility in the home – our home looks, well ‘lived in’ is the politest way I can put it. My partner wishes that I would become obsessed with housework and we could have a clean house in consequence, but there is no chance of that.
Several years ago I helped with the Census – delivering and collecting forms and all the necessary paperwork involved. I didn’t notice I was becoming obsessed, but my partner did and now I look back I can see that I did. It was a strange but interesting experience, though – on one occasion a homeless man chased after me demanding a form because he should be on the census too. I agreed with him, but there was no room in the census for people on the streets. I could only deliver to addresses! Perhaps had he had a tent erected it would have been possible – and now I’m obsessing about that – wondering how many people can’t vote. There must be a fair number and is that fair? No it isn’t.
Then there is my obsession with getting my diary absolutely perfect – daily date headings in bold for instance and when I find for some inexplicable reason that my headings have changed or the line spacing I can get into a rage. Crazy, really, since I am the only person who ever looks at it – it is for me to try to get a handle on my feelings, remind me of what I did the previous day etc. etc.
I am presently doing a college course and I spend hours trying to get my homework right. We are supposed to do 200 to 500 words and if mine goes over, as it often does (about 300 to 400) I spend ages taking things out.
