My drug of choice and how to manage my disease

The word 'disease' is an interesting one - meaning literally 'dis-ease' being uncomfortable with something and I must say that bipolar/manic depression is an extremely uncomfortable illness.  My drug of choice (apart from the medication I am usually on) is reading and I read obsessively when I am feeling really down.  However, my concentration is knackered and I find myself reading and re-reading the same pages.  When I feel up I still enjoy reading, but I am not so obsessed with it.

I am enormously grateful to Stephen Fry for his frankness about his bipolar condition as this means I no longer feel quite so guilty about my own behaviour/inability to work etc.  The only way I can describe my depression is I feel like I am wading through treacle; it is almost impossible to put one foot in front of the other.  I can barely get out of bed, don't want to socialise, don't want to look at my post or e-mails and generally behave in a 'head under the duvet' manner.  I am fortunate in having a lovely man who enjoys cooking so that at least I eat.  If I was on my own I doubt I would eat or drink adding malnutrition to my other difficulties.   Sadly, he has an aversion to housework (as do I at the best of times) so our home becomes uncontrollably messy, but I can tackle that when I feel better.

This last down draught has been rather drawn out, especially as I thought trying some of the exercises cognitive therapy has taught would help me more.  However, the therapist said that I had 'too high expectations' this time.  One day ...

Dismal Doris - Depression

Feeling very Dismal Doris at present. When I am up I can scarcely remember feeling down - when down feeling high seems a faraway event. This is the first time I have ever blogged when down in the depths - well, that is not quite true; I must be feeling a tiny bit better to even attempt it. I wouldn't mind losing the highs if the lows went as well.  I am on medication to ensure that I don't get too manic - the health professionals seem far more concerned about that - presumably because they think I might hurt myself as I can compromise my safety (my ability to gauge events/circumstances becomes erratic at times).  Unfortunately, while I have lost most of the mania, the  lows are the same as ever - occurring often and causing me a great deal of unhappiness.

In the course of my down phases, I have gone bankrupt, lost my job and now have to exist on very little money. However, that is to be expected and it is true that getting back to basics is no bad thing - as long as there is food on the table and there is a roof over my head, I am grateful for small mercies.


Meanwhile, I am giving some thought to what I want to do with my life - at my age, that is rather surprising I suppose.   However, we can all dream - castles in the air are fine, as long as you don't move into them.

Malapropisms – expressions & language

The other day a friend of mine said ‘he was footless’ – when referring to a drunk. It took me a few minutes to realise she meant ‘legless’ and I suppose it could be a new word which means much the same thing. Then I got to thinking of ‘footloose’ – now there’s an expressive word meaning exactly what it ‘says on the tin’. It’s rather a nice expression and describes a beautiful picture of freedom to my mind.

From there I am now thinking about our very interesting use of slang and idioms. I remember being out with a group of Korean visitors on one occasion. They all spoke very good English and understood most of what we said, but one of them asked what a ‘bit of a do’ meant – an expression I had used without thinking. I explained it meant a party and he was very puzzled that I hadn’t said that in the first place!

Then there's that wonderful phrase 'moveable feast' - as a child I thought it meant picnic and still think that could be one of its meanings, but referring to timing of meals it's brilliant

There are words that mean different things too – for instance oversight can mean being left our or forgotten/overlooked, but it can also mean ‘keeping an eye on’. The two meanings are opposite and yet the same word ecompasses both meanings.

Then there are words that just sound what they mean – what better word than ‘doleful’ it sounds so sad - I see a picture of a bell tolling dismal news. Dismal also sounds how it is pronounced, but the tone of ecstasy and euphoria sound wonderfully exciting and hyper.
Then I got to thinking about the weird things that I get wrong sometimes - the Oyster card for buses and tubes in London I have been know to call the Octopus card and have got some very strange look when I say it.  I also enjoyed using acronyms from the 80s (when I was probably the only person in the UK who failed to make money) such as - WOOP - Well Off Older Person (or did I make that up?)  I remember telling my parents (now deceased, sadly) that that was their status at the time.
Not sure I like the craze for certain words like 'wicked' 'cool' taken to mean much the same and I think eclectic is over- used. But then I like some of the American expressions which I find particularly funny such as 'putting your arse on the line' and 'awesome' said with an American accent always makes me laugh.  I also like the the 'y'all' used mostly by Texans I believe and 'you guys' encompassing male and female is great; also 'sidewalk' is so much better than 'pavement'.


And now I really must sign off - my man says my stream of consciousness can be a bit much for him (but usually it is spoken to/at him and the so and so tunes out).  I hope writing it instead might improve our relationship - well, I live in hope.


I used to look the 'jolly hockeysticks' expression to describe happy and well-spoken women, but there are less and less boarding schools where I think the words started from.